My apologies to Ambrose Bierce and anyone else who might be offended by this little book. When we are perfect, I think we will still laugh at each other.

A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | L | M | N | O | P | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y

Aardvark - Something most LDS people have heard of. But few, if any, have
seen the real thing. (See fifty dollar bill.)

Adulthood - The age at which LDS people must kidnap a child before going
to a Disney movie.

Bachelor - An abomination of nature.

Bad - Everything but church, mom, Sprite and green jello salad.

Basketball - Rugby with harder ground.

Beautiful - Marie Osmond.

Beehive - 1) An LDS symbol of industry. 2) An LDS girl that is as sweet
as honey one minute and as onery as a bunch of angry bees the next.

Bewildered - All deacons who aren’t sleeping.

Birth - A way of bringing in new converts without need for those
bothersome discussions.

Brethren - Adult male Mormons. From the root words breth, meaning skilled
and ren, meaning, at the setting up of chairs.

Burrito - 1) A small burro. 2) A food item prepared on LDS Boy Scout
campouts which is nothing like a small burro - until digested.

BYU - A popular LDS acronym, the meaning of which is obscure. But it
could signify any of the following: 1) Brother, you’re uncaffeinated; 2)
Bored, young and unemployed; or; 3) Bring your ukulele.

Caffeine free - Mormon kosher.

Calories - The major component of everything Grandma makes.

Canonize - To remove knowledge from member awareness by placing it in
scriptures.

Caressing - We don’t believe in it. But we sure hug a lot.

Cheerios - A way to bribe children and promote silence in church. This
works quite well because Cheerios, unlike little sisters, don’t cry out
when being ground into the carpet.

Cookies - Mormon soul food.

Cougar - An animal that growls occasionally but is generally well mannered
- until it loses.

Cult - A human religious group which is persecuted by some larger group
with different beliefs. eg. The followers of Christ in New Testament
times.

Custodian - An LDS official having slightly less power than an area
president..

Cynic - A person who cannot conceive of anything better than themselves
(such as Mormons).

Dance - A whole lot of wear and tear on volume controls and light
switches.

Darkness - The absence of Mormons.

Day - Approximately fifteen seconds of scripture reading.

Death - Our chance for ultimate happiness that we put off as long as
possible.

Delicious - An adjective describing everything Grandma cooks.

Dialog - A conversation involving two Mormons talking and none thinking.

Drivers’ License - The only effective parental weapon in world war
hormone.

Early - Not late. As in, late to bed and early to rise; Go to seminary,
then close your eyes.

Early Morning Seminary - The Great and Subliminal Church.

Elder - All male missionaries use this as their first name. But their
girlfriends just call them John.

Estrogen - From the suffix gen meaning to cause and the root word estro
meaning, blubbering.

Evil - Caffeine and a few other things.

Families are forever - Most particularly on Sunday mornings when one is
trying to get into the bathroom.

Family Home Evening - The pre-game show for Monday Night Football.

Father - A brother whose suit coat has either white stains on the lapel or
frayed edges on the sleeves depending on whether his children are infants
or missionary age (or both).

Father and Sons Campout - A chance for sons to discover that the only
essential difference between them and their dads is the number of
marshmallows their fathers can get into their mouths before gagging.

Fifty dollar bill - A mythical currency denomination. Some brethren claim
to have actually seen one of these before marriage but even they are not
entirely sure.

Fireside - A place where you can go and get a warm feeling. (But don’t
count on roasting any marshmallows.)

Flower - A plant structure somewhat important for pollination but
absolutely essential for Relief Society functions.

Food Storage - Organic substances which promote good health among the
brethren, not by consumption, but through a rigorous weightlifting
program.

Football - The Great and Abominable church. At least according to the
Relief Society.

Free - The only price which LDS mothers consider a bargain.

Friend - Someone willing to listen to your inspirational poetry.

Gardening - A method for turning five hundred pounds of fertilizer into
two and a half tomatoes.

Gentile - An individual who is not a Mormon - yet.

Girl - A constant irritation to LDS boys, even when they are not around.

Good - Mom, apple pie, church and caffeine-free Coke.

Greenies - A term applied to new missionaries based on the metaphor of
un-ripened fruit. Because, unlike other missionaries, they are not yet
sweet, round and soft in the middle.

Half-witted - One casserole short of a full potluck.

Heart - The spiritual center of all Relief Society sisters. It moves
hundreds of gallons of blood each day that would otherwise be stagnant.
And that’s just in the brethren.

Hell - A lake of fire and brimstone, but not Utah Lake.

Hokey Pokey - What members do when they throw caution to the wind, get
wild and crazy, and let it all hang out.

Home Teaching - Visiting teaching, without the blubbering.

Hot Dog - Mormon prime rib.

Husband - A brother that knows how to decorate tables.

Hypocrisy - From the root word crisy meaning to be ruled by and the prefix
hypo meaning a big fat ugly animal.

Improvement - The act of becoming better. As in, the largest broom in the
house is the broom for improvement.

Income Tax - Like tithing only instead of theocracy you get bureaucracy.

Jello - For some strange reason, LDS people consider this a vegetable.

Jet - A means of travel seldom used by Mormons except to go to the mission
field, mainly because, unlike donuts, airline tickets are not cheaper by
the dozen.

Leftovers - One of the four basic LDS food groups.

Liberal - A crazy man. (See bachelor.)

Love - (I’m sorry. I’m married. I don’t dare make fun of this word.)

Marriage - (Oh well, the couch is comfortable.) A device to prevent
brethren and sisters from missing each other by keeping them well within
firing range.

Minivan - The Mormon sportscar.

Modern - Knitting with stainless steel.

Mormon Standard Time - The LDS belief that time is merely a transient
illusion associated with our mortal existence. An LDS meeting was once
reported to have started on time. But the incident has since been
attributed to a cosmic anomally which temporarily altered the space-time
continuum.

Mummy - A mythical creature that is very old, mumbles incoherently and
strikes fear into the minds of its victims. Like a high councilman.

National Enquirer - The real reason that LDS people let other people go
ahead of them in the grocery checkout line.

Necktie - An article of LDS clothing which makes the statement: “Sure,
I’m just an overgrown boy. But Mommy wants me to be mature right now.”

Nourish and strengthen - Part of most blessings on the food. This is due
to a secret desire of all Mormon men to resemble the pictures of Nephites
in the old Book of Mormons. (See food storage.)

Obscene - An ancient word still used by Mormons and Baptists.

Obsolete - See above.

Outer Limits - A phrase used to describe the subjects of church meeting
talks when they are not pre-assigned.

PEC - Priesthood Executive Committee - When asked about the execution of
his priesthood leaders, the bishop might actually recommend it.

Pinewood Derby - This race results in a whole lot of whining, crying.and
all out tantrums. But the boys have a lot of fun.

Pizza - Food which originated in the Chicago suburb of Italy on which is
spent the second ten per cent of LDS income.

Planning Calendars - A device that helps leaders remember meetings they
didn’t want to go to. (They don’t need a planner to remember the ones
they want to go to.)

Polygamy - The practice of plural marriage that was done away with so that
the brethren would not miss all the Mash reruns.

Potluck - Food that ceases to be lucky when removed from the pot.

PPI - Personal Priesthood Interview - Which is often preceded by the PPE
(Preparation of Preposterous Excuses).

Restaurant - An eating establishment with golden arches and a clown.

RM - Ready for Matrimony.

Refreshments - A legal form of bribery.

Reunions - The reuniting of LDS families who, for screamingly obvious
reasons, have chosen to live apart.

Ricks College - The LDS equivalent of Joe’s College.

Root of all evil - Other peoples’ money.

Root of all righteousness - Root beer.

Shaving - The eleventh commandment.

Service Project - Getting a bunch of unskilled people together to perform
labor, the value of which, is slightly less than their combined salary.

Sin - When someone’s little sister is asked to give a talk on this, she is
likely to use them as an example.

Sister - Adult Mormon female. From the root words, sis, meaning table
decorations and, ter, meaning sherbert punch.

Stake Center - A place where you can go and get spiritually fed. But
there is no salad bar.

Sunday - A day when everyone in the family ticks off every other member of
the family when hurrying to get ready so they can get to church in time to
repent of it.

Superman - 1) A character with superhuman powers. 2) An LDS bishop.

Talk - A form of LDS communication based on one person talking and a bunch
of others asking each other what the speaker said every time they hear
someone laugh.

Testosterone - A compression of the Adamic phrase: “ye testy olde steroid
one”.

Tobacco - A substance which produces smoke containing nicotine, tar and
other chemicals which, according to the tobacco industry are not bad for
human health. Apparently, people who are already destined to die early,
take up this habit in order to console themselves.

Turning out lights - Apparently one must have divine dispensation to do
this at church or someone besides the bishop would do it.

Utah - A pleasant little place to spend time until we all go back to
Missouri.

Utah Driver - The human fulfillment of the Heisenberg uncertainty
principle which often leads to the second law of thermodynamics (that the
universe tends toward disorder).

Vacation - A time when LDS families are busy trying to relax. This
sometimes involves travel, if a school bus can be rented which seats
fourteen or more.

Van - According to the Nissanian creed, a vehicle large enough to fill the
immensity of a parking space yet small enough to allow seat belted
children to thoroughly throttle one another.

Visiting Teaching - Home teaching, without the football highlights.

Wages - The wages of sin is death. The dirth of wages - that’s life.

Warm Feeling- What primary children get when they sit next to the heat
vent.

Year - The time it takes the Earth to circumnavigate its sun and the
brethren to get a message to their home teaching families.

Youth Conferences - There have been thousands of these conferences on
youth, but sadly - still no cure.